I BROKE UP WITH MY MIND
Arriving in South India and walking through the gates inscribed
Oneness University, my life so far flashed through my mind. My choice of parents didn't give me an easy life. Despite my mother's illness, father's absence and a troubled mind, I am forever grateful for, it put me on an adventure of seeking life's inner secrets. I got the feeling that my parents with their artistic abilities, sharp minds and compassionate hearts, were smiling at me from heaven at my arrival to that which awaited me at the portals of Oneness University.
Being 50 years of age, the last 30 years of my life had been spent in the pursuit of spiritual and mental growth, and thus I had both a sceptical and investigative mind. To give you some perspective: I have had individual guidance with a guru in India in the 80's, I have learned and taught Re-evaluation Counselling, attended EST, studied Kashmiri Shaivism, the Vedas, Patanjali with monks in India, studied and practiced Buddhism in Nepal, and was a master certificate holder in Luthier. My life had been interspersed with personal suffering and hardships. Therefore, you can understand if I were to say that I would not accept just anyone to guide me.
Our process started, the
Oneness Blessings began and days went by, and I became aware that I had to be attentive. A tremendous amount of things were happening inside of me and I knew that I might miss something if I did not pay attention. As we moved on with our teachings and Oneness Blessings, my ability to define what was happening became less obvious. I began to see that the "I" that tried to understand itself and reality was not really me. I began to feel that the "I" was merely thought processes that went on and on forever in order for it to be. I was so used to be "me" that defined everything as if the definition and understanding were required for its existence. Then the other thought surfaced that perhaps it was not the "I" that persisted in definition, but rather the very process of definition that created the "I"; it kept on defining, knowing, opining, thinking, becoming in order to exist, albeit unhappily!
I faced myself many times, selfishness in relationships, doubts, headaches, fear, confusion... At one point, my old life, my relationships, habits, opinions, knowledge, thinking flashed before me and I was not willing to give it up. After all what I was and what I knew seemed safe. However, in one of the Oneness Blessings my choice was certainly taken from me - this was the Oneness Blessing that helped me to see that I was not my mind. This Oneness Blessing changed my relationship with the mind forever.
As I felt Amma and Bhagavan's energy on my head, I was showered inside by some kind of energy or warm "being-ness". Please excuse my creative wording, since my experience is like nothing I know of, I feel the necessity to invent new words! The experience has nothing to do with knowledge. Patanjali's sutra: "Jnanam bhandaha" came to my mind - "knowledge is bondage". I saw how no knowledge in the world could give an experience like this where "I" this and that resolved into one. I was immersed in a stillness, a sense of love, and an immense sense of compassion for all suffering. Only pictures and a kind of presence filled me. Thoughts evaporated and after a while all functions of my body and mind ceased and I was filled with "nothingness".
The guides tried to help me lie down, but there was no response, I could not move. I was in a very deep state. I remained in this absolutely still state for two hours when suddenly, my body coughed and I woke up only to be able to move my finger. I happened to be sitting next to the chair where my beloved guide was sitting. Tears were flowing down my cheeks, I saw my entire life passing in my mind. I saw the island that I grew up on, the fields with horses and high grass swaying in the gentle wind, and the sun showering earth with its rays. I was crying as I could see these rays as Grace, and how it always had been present. I saw how I had been showered endlessly with blessing after blessing and how life had given me experiences, love, understanding, and help; but how the mind had come between with its judgement, its sense of right and wrong, explanations, conflicts, its becoming someone and its endless "knowing and not seeing" and all the tremendous pain all this had created in my life in order to sustain and defend the notion or illusion of "I".
I turned to my guide with great sorrow and with tears I said: "I have destroyed everything, I destroyed it all." He responded to me with his loving eyes full of compassion and a gentle voice, "How could you destroy anything? "You" were not even there. "It was a different "I" listening now. Then I asked, "So you mean it wasn't me, but my mind?" My guide nodded affirmatively in response. Then I realized that I cannot be responsible for my mind. My guide firmly said, that I was not my mind. I realized that I had no choice and felt a deep sense of compassion and acceptance of who I was, and had been. The conflict of trying to become something better was over. I could see the sun flowing down over the island again, caressing the grass, and how everything flows with love. It opened my heart, I could feel my heart opening for that flow because I did absolutely nothing. There was no more "I". I could see the pain of the mind and said farewell to the mind. It was like breaking up a long relationship painful, but I did not want the pain it caused.
The relationship between my mind and me had ended, and what was left was nothing! The "me" that broke up with that mind had disappeared too. I was filled with "nothing", and that "nothing" was characterized by peace, stillness, and compassionate love. What more could "I" ask for?
Richard Rolf, Sweden
